It's NOT About Abortion

The 2012 election is over, thank heaven. The sides have dug their heels in and engaged in a contentious battle unlike anything I've ever seen. Add to that mix, some ridiculous business about "legitimate" rape and God's will and pregnancy never being life-threatening to a woman... just more rubbish from people who seem to be willfully ignorant in these matters. People who should not be talking about these things.

In fact, the argument should not be just about making abortion illegal or keeping it legal. The sides are very unlikely to get anywhere arguing their points on that issue. It really comes down to reducing the need for abortion. I think everyone can agree on that.

Countless studies have demonstrated that good sex education in schools reduces unintended pregnancies, STDs, and even delays first sexual experience. Personally, I would LOVE for us to go back to the days when no one had sex until they were married. But what I want has nothing to do with reality.

We know that abstinence-only programs and virginity pledges have two outcomes:

1. MORE unplanned pregnancies
2. MORE STDs

How do we reduce all that? Proper sex education... REAL sex education. And it needs to be in middle school - or possibly, the 6th grade. As puberty is commonly begun at age nine in the West - in girls AND boys (that's new information about the boys), probably the 6th grade is best. And not just ONCE. We need ongoing sex education for kids - maybe a refresher on the information every year in science class.

Interestingly, the Bible Belt has the HIGHEST rate of teen pregnancy and STDs in the U.S. The adults there THINK they are addressing the problem appropriately - with religion and pledges... but they are dead wrong. They are making the problem worse. So we need to educate the parents AND politicians. Good luck with that one...

We know that the best way to reduce abortion is effective sex education and birth control. No one wants to see more abortion. I know some anti-choice people use the term "pro-abortion." That's disingenuous and simple minded. No one is pro-abortion. And frankly, no one is ANTI-abortion - not really. There are circumstances where the most adamant anti-choice person is actually pro-choice. The problem is that people think about saving babies and STOP thinking. Period. But there are circumstances where ANYONE would support abortion.

I recently spoke with a fellow and told him that puberty is now commonly started at age 9 - in the THIRD GRADE. I asked if he would make a third grader have a baby. He said he would, and the baby could be put up for adoption. I then asked about 2nd graders... he had no problem making a 2nd grader have a baby. I asked what about 1st grade... you guessed it. Of course it would be very rare for a 1st grader to become pregnant... but very young children sometimes DO start puberty. It's not good for them and they should have medical treatment to stop it, but it happens. And we all know children are raped. So at what age should we rethink the whole banning abortion business? The youngest medically documented pregnancy was in a 5 year old. You can look that up. And yes, she survived. But she obviously was raped - was it good for her mental health to carry that baby? Was it good for her physical development? No. It wasn't. But she had a Cesarian section and she survived.

I wish we would stop arguing about whether abortion should be legal and discussing rape. The ONLY person who can tell you what it's like and what it feels like to carry the baby is the rape victim. No politician - male or female - can tell anyone how THEY feel. I have never been raped, but I've heard many stories from rape victims. That's what we shrinks do - we hear people's stories. And I can tell you with impunity that the scope of suffering from rape is FAR greater than those politicians could ever guess. Furthermore, each person reacts differently. To force a woman to bear her rapist's child compounds the injury. If we take that decision away from her, we might as well rape her again. Lastly, 31 states allow rapists visitation and custody rights. That's just unthinkable to me.

We need to stop arguing about abortion. Few people change their minds about this. It would be far wiser to focus on reducing the NEED for abortion. Arguing about abortion itself is pointless... but we CAN pool our intellectual resources and work out a way to reduce unwanted pregnancies. We could reduce them A LOT. That should be the focus.

The ignorance among young people is breathtaking. I once had a college student ask me during lecture if Mountain Dew prevented pregnancy. Several others endorsed the query - they had heard the same thing. I was baffled by the question. He had heard it "slows sperm down." I said that yes, it prevents pregnancy if you drink three gallons of it in 20 minutes and are sick and unable to perform sexually.

There is NO good reason that ANY college student should think such a ridiculous thing. I told him if he really thought that, he would soon be sued for child support. I've started incorporating basic sex education into lectures. I already lecture on sexual development, conception, and prenatal development... I need to add PREVENTION of pregnancy to all that. I have college students who don't already know this stuff.

Let's stop arguing about abortion. No one is pro-abortion. Let's get together and work out how to eliminate unplanned pregnancies. I don't think we'll ever be free of rape - but most unplanned pregnancies are due to consensual sex. And most teen pregnancies occur between 3pm and 6pm - when parents are still at work and kids are home from school. That's an important part of the equation. I think all sides of the abortion issue can come together on this... except for the most adamant anti-birth control people. I don't think they can be a part of the solution... they focus on the miniscule failure rates of birth control. That's ridiculous. Birth control is highly effective. The rest of us should be able to work out some solutions. I hope with the election over, we can try to work together on these issues. I'm a hopeful person that way...

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/national/2012/08/31-states-grant-rapists-custody-and-visitation-rights/56118/

Roger, The Politician Whisperer

Raise your hand if you're sick of political campaigning. I thought so. Me, too.

I don't know how it is we evolved from "I'm going to focus on education" to "My opponent impregnated an innocent, juvenile space alien, kills kittens and puppies, and dines on babies," but that is where we are now. I'm sick of it - and I have the solution. Roger at AT&T. The Politician Whisperer.

I discovered this campaign wizard while I was discussing my cable bill with him. It all happened simply enough - once they've dispatched your issue, customer service people always ask if there is anything else they can do for you. I often have a quip ready. "Yes, you can fix the economy." "You can cure cancer." "You can solve the overpopulation problem." There is plenty they can do for me.

When Roger uttered this query, I had a ready response. I requested that he rid my television of the dreadful political ads we are relentlessly battered with. Shouldn't cable offer political ad screening? A monthly charge of $5 would be well worth it. In true customer service fashion, Roger apologized for that which he bears no responsibility in subjecting us all to. He then offered his version of how things should be.

He would set up debates where no mud slinging is allowed. He would moderate, compelling them all to stick with positive themes - what they promise. Should they slip into mud slinging modes, they will be consigned to nearby stables to muck out the stalls. That would best match their behavior.

Roger reserves the right to stop and question debating candidates at any time regarding just how they are to accomplish their promised feats. As he said to me, they would be required to focus on the positives - no blaming or name-calling. They are to discuss only what they will try to achieve. His guess, based on recent campaigns, is that quite a few stables will be spotless.

Roger is a radical that way - he believes in rational discourse and reasonable promises. He would require that all candidates tell us what they have done for us and what they will do. He will banish all mud slingers and name-callers to the stables and applaud honest, forward-focused discourse.

While he was speaking, I recognized not only an impressive intellect, but also a unique talent. Roger has an extraordinary gift. My friends know of my connection with The Dog Whisperer... that connection colors how I see the world. It has gifted me with a unique insight. Thus, I recognize in Roger that quality which is required to make real changes. I hereby officially declare Roger of AT&T The Politician Whisperer.

He believes this is possible... he believes with a bit of guidance, politicians and hopefuls are capable of being positive.

Come to think of it, he must be quite mad.

Socks on the Floor

Early in our marriage, my husband had a habit of forgetting his socks on the bathroom floor after his nighttime shower. It’s a short trip to the hamper, yet somehow, everything but the socks made it. Initially, I would make a sweet/humorous hint. “Honey - are you through with your socks?”

“Sorry - I’ll get them.”

“That’s okay - I have them.”

Such was our nightly routine. After a few months, I began to be bothered by the whole business. It’s not like it took extra effort to attend to them. They weren’t bathroom floor camouflage socks. He simply forgot them.

Thus it went for several months until I found myself growing more and more irritated by those socks. What was the problem? Why couldn’t this man, with a graduate degree and responsible for tens of millions of dollars at work, put his socks in the hamper? It began to really get under my skin. That’s when the shrink in me came out.

Why was I so annoyed? And what would I say to a therapy client who had this complaint? I knew exactly what I would say. I would ask, “What harm do the socks on the floor cause you?” and “What is the worst thing that can happen if he never remembers to pick up his socks?”

I decided then and there that picking up his socks was an expression of my love for this man - this man who stood up and promised the rest of his life to me. This loving, thoughtful, patient, splendid man. I shut up about the damn socks.

Several years later, after my shower, I heard my sweet husband’s voice float out of the bathroom: “Honey, are you through with your stockings?” As he put them in the hamper, I laughed so hard I almost peed. And I was so very grateful I had been quietly picking up this amazing man's socks all those years.

© 2010 by Alice Clearman Fusco

Thank God it's not Friday

One Wednesday morning I was at work, thinking about how glad I was that it was "hump day." Once you're finished with Wednesday, you are over the hump of the week... then it's all downhill. A busy Thursday, already sunnier with the promise of Friday. Then Friday, glorious Friday! On Friday night, we'll pop some popcorn, snuggle up with our favorite cat, and watch a movie. Lovely, beautiful, fresh, Friday. Everything is wonderful on Friday.

I sat there in happy anticipation of Wednesday night, the lead-in to Thursday which ushers in Friday, and mused about the weekend ahead. I thought about Saturday's plans... then Saturday afternoon and onto Saturday night. Next comes Sunday. Sunday, which is poisoned by Monday.

And then, as I thought about it, I realized that Saturday night was poisoned by the poison of Sunday... and that leaked into Saturday afternoon, which colored Saturday morning and - well, before I knew it, the only time that mattered was about four hours on Friday when I got home from work and felt completely free. Friday night - dinner, movie, bed. I was horror-struck. This is my life? This is what I am living for?

That's when I realized I was wishing my life away a week at a time. The only true value my life held was that tiny four hour window. I was living life from Friday night to Friday night. Movies are great - but when I'm watching a movie, I'm not learning anything, developing myself, or doing something for the benefit of another. Out of 168 hours each week, I was putting all the value of my life into those 4 little hours.

I decided, sitting at my desk on that Wednesday morning, that was the best time of the week. That moment, that morning with the people I had been working with - people I had come to care about - people who mattered to me... that morning was the BEST moment of my week. And I determined to stop squandering my precious time, to stop wishing it away, to stop living from Friday night to Friday night, and to make every moment of my life the best moment of the week.

As I sit here right now, I am very fortunate to be in the best moment of my week. It's Wednesday morning.

© 2010 by Alice Clearman Fusco